no small feat.

i’ll admit that, like many others, i’m much tougher when distance exists between me and my target, though, while it’s also true that i don’t like my odds in a dark alley with a street bully, it’s not cowardice that keeps me out of these battles, it’s the fact that i have a disability, that is, i cannot remain angry for the duration of a fight. at some point, usually early, my preternaturally calm voice or an inserted joke betrays me. thus, i’ve acknowledged that any future bouts will have to take place on the internet where my predilection for amusing myself will never disappoint my nimble fingers.

case in point, i received a friend request from toejam mcfly (likely not her real name), a young female from georgia who seeks payment from the well-heeled in exchange for her detritus. the list of her wares is extensive, among them, toenail clippings, stained underwear, and used razors, and impressive. what compelled me to reply was part jealousy of her entrepreneurial spirit (as a girl of her age, my only concern was whether i was going to wear a solid-colored or patterned skirt to school) and part avoiding doing anything productive (you could say that that is my achilles).

i’ve been called many things but lumped into a group as an internet pervert is a new one. i hope you get a lot of responses though, as judging from your pictures, the possibility of you having any meaningful, lasting relationships away from the computer is pretty distant.

now, before printing the rest of our correspondence, i should warn you that she has the vocabulary of someone who would sell bloody tampons on the internet.

wow, you are a complete douche-bag and you take yourself way too seriously. did I ever write you? no, i didn’t. i haven’t communicated with you at all. you really shouldn’t think so highly of yourself. you are retarded.

p.s. my last relationship went on three years until I broke it off.
you are retarded.

the next message was blocked on account of her making her profile private, but after confirming her initial friend request, everything was again fine.

you sent me a friend request, which i would argue is a form of communication (after all, i would have never stumbled across your page otherwise). i would also argue that you can’t legitimately say i take myself seriously when i’m willing to write a person whose sobriquet is toejam mcfly (you may want to look up the terms ‘boredom’ and ‘satire’ to understand why i took the time to write you). however, i do apologize that my comments hit a little too close to home. there’s no shame though, really, in meeting people online. in fact, i originally met many of my good friends on the internet. in your shoes maybe i would have called me a ‘douchebag’ also (it’s a good term, i’ll admit), but ‘retarded’ is such an offensive and ignorant-sounding word when used derisively — and you’ve used it twice, as you’ll notice.

p.s. like you, i’m very proud of all my long-lasting failed relationships. without a doubt the ones i gloat the most about are the ones that continued for three years before i realized that they weren’t working. ah, it’s so nice that we have those commonalities.

i then thanked her for providing fodder for my blog because it had been a slow news day.

dear mongoloid faggot,

my mass friend requests have absolutely nothing to do with you. i do not give a fuck who you are or what you are into (harrassment of 20 year old girls seems to be at the top of the list, very mature, but trying to have some sort of intellect competition with me will accomplish nothing.

as i said before, you are retarded.

it was no small feat to combat mongoloid faggot, but i did the best i could, toeing the line between getting the point across and being overwhelmingly sarcastic.

how does the mass friend request have nothing to do with me when i received one of those requests? obviously that has a little something to do with me.

i don’t engage in competitions with people who are unarmed. there’s no challenge.

i’ll leave you alone now. enjoy peeing in your underwear and shipping it to internet perverts for money. i hope your (parents’) house doesn’t have mirrors, because in your shoes i wouldn’t be able to look at myself after that. anything for an education, though, right?

this morning i found a pen in my car advertising the springfield sexual addiction center, who guarantees rehabilitation from perv to perfect in as little as ten days. further, their counselors are responsible for curbing your enthusiasm since 1998. the pen, i figured, was another salvo from toejam mcfly, and became convinced when i discovered the company was fictitious. so the ball is again in my court; my foot soldiers in hiding, bound by a vow of silence until the time is right to attack the girl that has become their arch-enemy.

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