god hates fags.

thankfully we have religious fanatics to dispense guidelines concerning the manner in which we should live. it’s comforting to know that i do not need to form my own opinions, relying instead on their interpretations of biblical texts.

currently i’m a disciple of self-proclaimed christian youth expert, donnie davies. he has developed the c.h.o.p.s (for some reason, he omits the final dot) program. to give you an idea of its mission, the acronym stands for changing homosexuals into ordinary people. i assume s is there to represent the fact that people is plural.

on his website, to which i’m refraining from providing a link because i’d currently rather you read my writing than send him hate mail, he lists gay bands, which are those whose music sentences listeners to eternal damnation. he strongly recommends parents burning albums in front of their children, allowing them to feel the heat. it’s crucial, he says, that the image remains emblazoned on their young minds. it’s time to take action once three of the listed bands are in your collection.

davies explains that some of the music is by gateway bands, you know, those that lure people in with pop grooves and salacious melodies, leading them to more dangerous stuff. it’s as easy as that: next thing you know you’ve got a homosexual for a child.

according to the series of names, everyone i have ever met is gay. lil’ wayne is listed twice, an admission that means he makes people super gay. elton john is also listed twice, the second time with a reason in parentheses (really gay). others containing reasons for their inclusion are britney spears (kissed madonna), marilyn manson (dark gay), sigur ros (nudists), toby keith (cowboy), ted nugent (loincloth), and pictures of members of metallica touching their tongues to each other’s. perhaps the best, though, follows morrissey (?questionable?).

the site also helpfully enumerates safe bands. this much shorter list is populated by avowed christian bands, like dc talk and jars of clay, and somewhat surprisingly blondie and cyndi lauper, all of which apparently foster heterosexual desires. i’m still hopeful that sufjan stevens can save me from hell.

as an added treat davies’ website provides links to his own music, which, i should warn parents, definitely has the power to turn people queer. watching his videos causes me to wonder whether everything else i’ve read is a parody. the song, take my hand, contains the lyrics, mouthed with his honey-voiced delivery, when i’m reaching out to touch you/will you come?/will you come?/inside the gates of heaven, as he sits at the piano, on top of which are displayed pictures of anderson cooper, a shirtless and medal-strewn michael phelps, and, i think, laurence fishburne. the end features davies walking along a closed street wearing a v-neck undershirt and open woven decorated with stylized crosses on the left half, flanked by teen boys not quite pretty enough to work for abercrombie and fitch, and as the music swells, he asks us and them if we are coming. a final message reads, homosexuality has met its maker, which i take to mean that gay people have donnie davies to thank for creating homosexuality.

the other song i was able to find, the bible says, contains words that only a repressed homosexual could utter, but you have to admit that the chorus, god hates fags, is pretty damn catchy, with davies speaking and if you’re a fag he hates you too before joyously breaking into the next verse.

i know i cannot keep this to myself any longer, as the message needs spreading, so here are the links:
the website proper.
the video for take my hand.
the video for the bible says.

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4 Responses to “god hates fags.”

  1. Christian Exoo Says:

    Donnie Davies is amazing. Donnie Davies is also a setup, but I can’t figure out exactly what for. The sites are registered by an online proxy, but the IPs resolve to Brainfood.com, an online branding agency. But what the hell is this viral marketing for? Is it just viral marketing for the sake of showing they can make something go viral? Two drinks to whoever figures this out before I do. I am officially cyber-stalking Brainfood and all related entities.

  2. Andrew Says:

    What do you mean ‘surprisingly’ Blondie and Cyndi Lauper? I mean, it’s not like either of them had hits with songs about prostitution or masturbation.

  3. scott lefaive Says:

    blondie also raps about eating cadillacs and lincolns. that’s really gay.

  4. Christian Exoo Says:

    And Cyndi Lauper was involved with professional wrestling (as the manager of Captain Lou Albano, no less!), which is pretty much the gayest thing ever. It’s like a bunch of beefy community theater actors decided to put on makeup and spandex and play grab-ass in front of a stadium of rednecks who would hate them if they knew what they really were. Um… go Golddust!

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