Archive for March, 2010

i no longer trust reptiles.

27 March 2010

once again my auto insurance is expiring, leading me on a quest to find an insurer that can give me a better rate or else stick with the company that is currently overcharging me. you may remember previous correspondences i’ve endured in order to get an acceptable premium. the latest in this series is a message i sent to the geico gecko.

hello geico gecko,

i finally succumbed to your constant reminders by mail, both e- and snail (though, honestly, i hate the term “snail mail” for it’s derisive tone, so please excuse my usage), by getting a new quote from your company. my current auto insurance expires on march 28 — and i had a few extra minutes — so why not? after all, i have been assured countless times over the last few months that i could save money. i assume some people do save money, as how would warren buffett allow you to use the word “could” if you’d never actually saved people any money, but unfortunately i cannot be included in this number. i’ve included the reference number above in the subject line so that you can glance at the rate i was given at your leisure, but for the sake of time and clarity, i will include it here also: $249/month. yes, sir, $249 each month, which is, for purposes of comparison only, at least $130 per month higher than my current insurance. i’d feel remiss if i didn’t add that i also have a rental car allowance with my current insurance. of course, it would be easy to reconcile this huge difference if, say, i had kept the same company (that is, my current one) since my caveman days, and they felt they owed me something for my continued allegiance for sticking with them through the ice ages and industrial revolution and, oh, invention of the automobile, but obviously this is not the case.

i don’t ask for much, my friend. you haven’t done me any real harm, and i’ll always cherish catching you in the backyard as a child, releasing you, and catching you again. all i want in return is for you to be more careful before dialing my number or writing my street or email address. just don’t get my hopes up so much if you’re going to dash them so inconsiderately.

he has yet to respond. the barrage of messages i’ve lately been receiving from his representatives has not abated, but they avoid addressing the above letter.


the most beautiful green we’ve ever seen.

16 March 2010

while conducting research for a movie based on the mcdonaldland characters (you know, johnny depp as ronald, dwayne johnson as mayor mccheese, danny devito as the hamburglar, and tilda swinton as birdie the early bird), i came across a piece of fast food ephemera, uncle o’grimacey.

o’grimacey is grimace’s irish uncle. he is green, wears a frock coat adorned with four-leaf clovers and a leprechaun’s hat, and carries a shillelagh like everyone from ireland. i mean, why not include a storyline where he gets really drunk and beats up one of the fry guys (in the film version, played by a pom-pom with legs — or conan o’brien if he’s available). he visits his nephew every march, bringing along the shamrock shake. apparently he packed enough that every mcdonald’s restaurant in the united states and canada offered them to their customers. maybe that explains the limited quantity of the drink in recent years; remember airlines didn’t charge such exorbitant fees for baggage back then.

with that introduction out of the way, i bring you a commercial from the late 1970s or early 1980s, a time period when sound quality wasn’t a priority like it is in these crazy high-definition days.

faith in nothing.

8 March 2010

i recently saw a new commercial for canada dry ginger ale in which the announcer intones that it might surprise us to learn that the drink is made from real ginger. this perceived revelation struck me for two reasons:

1. why wouldn’t we expect ginger to be an ingredient in ginger ale? coca cola doesn’t have to come out and say that their beverage is derived from kola nuts. however, i would honestly be amazed if, say, mountain dew revealed that they undertake a painstaking process of collecting tiny drops of moisture on everest or that sprite was made from pixies or 7up from schoolchildren who put their heads on their desks while lifting an arm.

2. is this a selling point for some people? i cannot see a man looking over at his wife at the grocery store and saying, hey, do you remember that pop with real ginger in it? the kids have been talking about it nonstop; you know it’s their favorite reed-like plant.

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