i no longer trust reptiles.

once again my auto insurance is expiring, leading me on a quest to find an insurer that can give me a better rate or else stick with the company that is currently overcharging me. you may remember previous correspondences i’ve endured in order to get an acceptable premium. the latest in this series is a message i sent to the geico gecko.

hello geico gecko,

i finally succumbed to your constant reminders by mail, both e- and snail (though, honestly, i hate the term “snail mail” for it’s derisive tone, so please excuse my usage), by getting a new quote from your company. my current auto insurance expires on march 28 — and i had a few extra minutes — so why not? after all, i have been assured countless times over the last few months that i could save money. i assume some people do save money, as how would warren buffett allow you to use the word “could” if you’d never actually saved people any money, but unfortunately i cannot be included in this number. i’ve included the reference number above in the subject line so that you can glance at the rate i was given at your leisure, but for the sake of time and clarity, i will include it here also: $249/month. yes, sir, $249 each month, which is, for purposes of comparison only, at least $130 per month higher than my current insurance. i’d feel remiss if i didn’t add that i also have a rental car allowance with my current insurance. of course, it would be easy to reconcile this huge difference if, say, i had kept the same company (that is, my current one) since my caveman days, and they felt they owed me something for my continued allegiance for sticking with them through the ice ages and industrial revolution and, oh, invention of the automobile, but obviously this is not the case.

i don’t ask for much, my friend. you haven’t done me any real harm, and i’ll always cherish catching you in the backyard as a child, releasing you, and catching you again. all i want in return is for you to be more careful before dialing my number or writing my street or email address. just don’t get my hopes up so much if you’re going to dash them so inconsiderately.

he has yet to respond. the barrage of messages i’ve lately been receiving from his representatives has not abated, but they avoid addressing the above letter.

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