forever young.

the recent return of true blood and the baffling popularity1 of the twilight series have everyone talking about vampires. throughout the cafes and boardrooms of america, diners and colleagues are overheard saying things like, i wish i were a vampire, that would be so sweet. alone in our bedrooms, wearing a team edward or team jacob t-shirt, we yearn for the romantic, albeit cold, touch2 of the undead and fall asleep to dream of our lives continuing with them alongside us.

in all of this wishing we were someone else — or something else — we never thought to interview a vampire. now i’m not about to say that i am a vampire, but lets look at the facts before we completely rule this one out:

i’m very pale. save for a yearlong period when i was regularly visiting a tanning bed, the veins in my chest have been easily visible.

i don’t sleep much, which may be because someone close to me is in trouble and i need to save them.

those are the two big ones, but there are additional things, for instance, my otherworldly ability to heal from injuries and infrequently contract illness, and my distrust of silver. also, i really like glitter.

yeah, so, i may not be a vampire, but i can tell you, mortals, that you do not want to be one, because it really sucks (no pun intended) to outlive everyone you love. and you can’t make them all vampires with you due to the risk of inbreeding.

1 i realize i shouldn’t criticize something that i’ve never seen, but viewing is never going to happen unless it is showing on my flight to hell or someone conducts one of those experiments to cure me of this ultra-violence.

2 if in bon tempe, louisiana, vampires cry tears of blood, what do you think their semen looks like? something to think about for you potential fang bangers.


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