an apple a day.

i had an interview with a marketing company. i may as well tell you the name, because even if they call me i’m not going to take the job — and, also, i really want to show you their website. break point marketing.

(questions regarding the website: what’s with the shadowy figures with briefcases approaching x-files style? is business really just about globes and handshakes? why is the m in marketing a fleur-de-lis (you would think i’d have a leg up having a french surname)? on the contact us tab how did the shadow of an at symbol become a dollar sign?)

i’ve been to interviews before where i’ve arrived early to watch thirty people or more, resume in hand, walk into a nondescript building. i was thinking this would be the same, with depressed people being herded through as if on a conveyor belt. there were only four others in the reception area when i arrived, one of whom, who looked like he was on his lunch break from his job on wall street, kept shifting between looking at me and checking his watch.

i was the last applicant to make my way up the elevator to the second floor and mr. apple’s (yes, his real name) office. he was very short, small enough that he should have probably been buying his clothes in the junior’s department, the neck of his shirt gaping beneath his tie.

he started off by asking why i wanted to get into marketing. then he asked me if i had seen their website. i said, yes, fighting back the urge to giggle. speaking very quickly he told me the company set up shop in large stores like costco (he named half a dozen other places, finishing with, big names! you’ve heard of ’em) where they told customers about vizio and directv, though i’m not sure if they had separate or combined kiosks. the first step on the corporate ladder was entry-level marketing manager. at this point you were making six to eight hundred a week. then you were promoted to training manager, where you made the same amount of money, but had a lot more responsibility, managing a few locations and conducting the training at each. the next step you were promoting guys you had initially trained, firing the weak, and hiring those that were eager for success. at this point you’re making over a hundred grand, something to do with residual income from those under you.

the first promotion was guaranteed after twenty-four to forty-eight months and the second — get this — just four to six months later. the reason for the accelerated timeline, he said, was because they were way behind their store goals. they were a burgeoning company with a ton of opportunity for the motivated self-starter.

he asked me if i would be interested in such a position, but he didn’t seem too impressed when i answered that he, mr. apple, and i would make a great pair. i asked if he’d heard that one before and he kind of smiled, replying, not today, as he shuffled me out of his office, adding that he would be contacting candidates later that evening if they qualified for a real interview.

outside his office was a room that looked perfect for a children’s nursery (grey carpets, white walls, nice size), except there was absolutely no furniture. on one wall was a dry-erase board, full of numbers, like a scene out of a beautiful mind. there were three guys in navy polo shirts and black pants, talking to two others wearing earth tones, obviously in some sort of training. i heard one of the former group, pointing at an equation, say, see, right there? you’ve got it. that’s it. that is how vizio televisions are sold i presume.

as i waited for the elevator, i pictured mr. apple huddling with the others to come up with a stratagem for their after-work trip to the bar. it went something like this: if we all go for the blonde and block each other, not a single one of us is going to get her. so then we go for her friends, but they will all give us the cold shoulder because no one likes to be second choice. but what if none of us goes for the blonde? we won’t get in each other’s way and we won’t insult the other girls. it’s the only way to win. it’s the only way we all get laid.

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2 Responses to “an apple a day.”

  1. mexcelent Says:

    I’m disappointed you didn’t go with any point break jokes.

  2. scott lefaive Says:

    i should have told him that his company wanted me so bad it was like acid in his mouth.

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