Posts Tagged ‘finding inspiration in cheesy romantic comedies’

simple steps to restore love.

2 October 2010

presumably there have been times in all of our lives where someone we love has stopped talking to us due to some slight, whether real or perceived, that we inflicted upon them. it could be that we cheated on them or accidentally slammed their fingers in a car door or urinated in their sink because lifting the toilet seat was inconvenient. regardless, no amount of apologizing can coax them to renew the conversation with you. some of us have sent jewelry and flowers or asked our assistants to look into whether a galaxy or constellation can be named after our former flame without a change in demeanor. the frosty glances will continue forever unless we can find the correct combination to unlock their hearts.

fortunately i have discovered the solution thanks to did you hear about the morgans? first you’ll need to convince the person of your dreams to meet you for dinner. maybe you still have some cherished possession that you want to return, maybe the dog you shared since it was a puppy was run over by a car and you just picked up its remains which were separated into two decorative urns. just make something up. it doesn’t even have to be believable if your object of attraction is a girl because they’ll do anything for a free meal.

eat quickly so that taking a walk afterward doesn’t seem like a ploy. the other person will understand that you couldn’t have possibly said all you needed to in such a short time. if that, in and of itself doesn’t work, bat your eyelashes and stammer when you speak to illustrate how uncomfortable you are. eventually your partner will suggest a leisurely stroll to calm the nerves and clear the head.

now for the most important part: witness a murder together, preferably one that has been perpetrated by a wealthy crime syndicate with plenty of trained killers and the latest technology at their disposal. when the police mention the witness protection program following a close call at your apartment, resist the urge to hire jack bauer as your personal security detail, and instead let them fly you to wyoming or montana or wherever it is that sam elliott and mary steenburgen reside.

when you arrive you’re sleeping separately, but over the next few days you converse more, you deliver more heartfelt apologies, and you begin to listen more to the sage advice offered by the u.s. marshals in whose house you are staying temporarily. then, all of a sudden, you realize you’ve bought him bear spray to ward off the predators that frighten him and he is always there to remind you of your assumed last name (foster) and fake relationship (cousin) with your custodians. trust blossoms between you. you understand that life doesn’t make sense without each other. you cannot fathom a world without his floppy brown hair and sarcastic quips, and he never wants to, um, sorry i cannot think of any redeemable qualities that pertain to sarah jessica parker, so i’m going to have to make something up.

here goes: he has so much he wants to share with you still, and while you can sometimes be a porcupine, quills poised to lodge into anyone who approaches, he knows that for him alone you’ll roll over to expose your underside, soft and sweet as a ripe peach.


all my best lines are his.

4 November 2008

i’ve been hanging out with this girl for the past few weeks. initially we agreed to meet at seven pm, the actual day being unimportant. during our third meeting we finally achieved that arbitrary goal, seven pm, i said triumphantly while pointing at a clock.

she was outraged that i’d never eaten uncrustables (they don’t make your child better at piano or soccer, but they do make taking them to lessons or practice less hectic) before (to avoid further repercussions, i’ve kept hidden the fact that i’ve only eaten a handful of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in my lifetime). i’ve since had three flavors (in descending taste order): strawberry jam and peanut butter, grape jam and peanut butter, and grilled cheese. i still think i could make a better version than smucker’s, if only becauseĀ i remain unconvinced that putting that name on a product means it has to be good.

she keeps a little zoo in her apartment: a rambunctious dog, a tailess cat, and two giant tanks full of fish. she gave away a ferret who lived there before i came around. she often tells me that i’d be happier if i had an animal companion. while i’ll admit that her dog is one of my favorite dogs out there, i still have an uneasy relationship with pets. that is, i’m afraid to have them rely on someone who is so loosely tethered to the world.

before she invites me over, she apologizes in advance for the messiness. sometimes i fill an empty box of miller lite (that’s our beer) with shredded paper towels and other debris. sometimes i move bowls to the sink and rinse them quickly with water. this doesn’t bother me as i understand that others live by different guidelines than i do, though it was difficult to keep that in mind when i saw the inside of the microwave she hadn’t cleaned in four years. still, considering i once spent a week living with someone who was likely schizophrenic, whose kitchen sink was filled with trash and bathtub looked like it had been used to cook — and burn — eggs, this wasn’t a major concern.

i had watched dan in real life early the day we met and, against my better judgment, it resonated with me for a little while. i told her, as steve carrell’s fictional character had written in a fictional book, that i wouldn’t hold her past against her (likewise her present and future though that went unverbalized, mostly because i didn’t have a movie from which to paraphrase) after she presented a story about self-operation that included buying medical supplies (clamps, anesthetic, gauze, et cetera) from canada. there was a lot of blood and pain as the anesthetic wore off, but everything turned out well. it was the best thing i’ve ever done, she said. again, i should let dan speak for me — instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised — as he has a syndicated newspaper column, and i just have this blog.

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