Posts Tagged ‘ted l. nancy < me’

enjoy the go.

4 February 2011

dear charmin,

i want to say that i hate your commercials, but i will temper my words and instead tell you that i don’t understand your commercials. i’m at least partially to blame for this hatred, i mean misunderstanding, as i always replace the bears with humans. you are somewhat culpable however.

take, for instance, the football-playing bears commercial, where the coach stands in for the quarterback (due to honey poisoning probably). while i do somewhat admire coach bear’s restraint upon witnessing the infraction — i’m sure that ben roethlisberger would maul poor maurkice pouncey if something similar happened at the super bowl — i must know if leaving pieces of tissue behind was seriously a concern for people before charmin invented flex weave technology?

i cannot stress this enough, it’s extremely important that i find out the answer to that question, for those times when the nearest bathroom isn’t stocking charmin brand products, because i’ve been declining camping invitations, and coming up with increasingly less believable excuses, since viewing the aforementioned commercial. as a result, many of my relationships have ended because girls don’t want to be with a guy who is allergic to every type of woodland vegetation and suffers from tisantaphobia (fear of tents).

obviously being a lonely bachelor is better than facing the ultimate embarrassment when some mother bear lumbers through the forest to lecture me about poor wiping as she claws little white pieces of toilet paper from around my butthole, but i would very much appreciate it if we could clear this mess up for good, right now, as i would one day like to have cubs of my own and need to know if i should look more closely at adoption instead.

thank you,
scott “tissue” lefaive


fair winds and safe voyages.

8 September 2010

i’ve always been skeptical of cap’n crunch’s claims that oops! all berries were the result of an accident, as if human or mechanical error had resulted in a surplus of artificially-colored and -flavored fruit cereal that left quaker oats scrambling for a way to unload them.

in response to my recent query, a representative from the company was very forthcoming regarding both the truth and the legend behind the origin of their product:

we appreciate the opportunity to let you know more about cap’n crunch’s oops! all berries cereal. I’ll be happy to help.

as the story goes, while the cap’n is on vacation, the kids have been put in charge of his cereal factory. to satisfy their craving for crunch berries, they decide to make what kids have always wanted — a 100 percent crunch berries cereal. even the original package had appeared to have been made by kids. it had cut-and-paste package graphics with hand-lettered-in-crayon words, smudged fingerprints, cellophane tape and scraps of lined yellow writing paper.

but, that was just the story. In reality, we just know that we have a lot of fans that really enjoy the crunch berries. we’re always striving to offer the types of products that can appeal to them, so we introduced oops! all berries in 1997.

we later discontinued oops! all berries. however, based on the feedback we received from our fans over the last few years, we decided to bring it back as a special limited time offer at the beginning of the year. based on the big response we received, we extended the availability. we hope you’ll look for oops! all berries. it will be available nationwide exclusively in wal-mart, target, and meijer stores through the remainder of 2010.

i hope this information is helpful for you, scott. we appreciate your interest in the origins of cap’n crunch’s oops! all berries and hope that you’ll enjoy the cereal.

the story is compelling, certainly, but it does make one question cap’n crunch’s stance on child labor.

i no longer trust reptiles.

27 March 2010

once again my auto insurance is expiring, leading me on a quest to find an insurer that can give me a better rate or else stick with the company that is currently overcharging me. you may remember previous correspondences i’ve endured in order to get an acceptable premium. the latest in this series is a message i sent to the geico gecko.

hello geico gecko,

i finally succumbed to your constant reminders by mail, both e- and snail (though, honestly, i hate the term “snail mail” for it’s derisive tone, so please excuse my usage), by getting a new quote from your company. my current auto insurance expires on march 28 — and i had a few extra minutes — so why not? after all, i have been assured countless times over the last few months that i could save money. i assume some people do save money, as how would warren buffett allow you to use the word “could” if you’d never actually saved people any money, but unfortunately i cannot be included in this number. i’ve included the reference number above in the subject line so that you can glance at the rate i was given at your leisure, but for the sake of time and clarity, i will include it here also: $249/month. yes, sir, $249 each month, which is, for purposes of comparison only, at least $130 per month higher than my current insurance. i’d feel remiss if i didn’t add that i also have a rental car allowance with my current insurance. of course, it would be easy to reconcile this huge difference if, say, i had kept the same company (that is, my current one) since my caveman days, and they felt they owed me something for my continued allegiance for sticking with them through the ice ages and industrial revolution and, oh, invention of the automobile, but obviously this is not the case.

i don’t ask for much, my friend. you haven’t done me any real harm, and i’ll always cherish catching you in the backyard as a child, releasing you, and catching you again. all i want in return is for you to be more careful before dialing my number or writing my street or email address. just don’t get my hopes up so much if you’re going to dash them so inconsiderately.

he has yet to respond. the barrage of messages i’ve lately been receiving from his representatives has not abated, but they avoid addressing the above letter.

letters from a nut.

16 September 2008

something you should know about me: i do a lot of trial runs for things that do not require them. i’d like to always chalk this time wasting up to research but oftentimes it’s just plain boredom. for instance, i recently sought quotes on auto insurance. it’s true that my coverage does end on 28 september, but i really had no intention of accepting any of the bids. if we can use history as an indicator (and i assure you we can), sometime late on the 27th i’ll find an acceptable quote and buy it then, without looking back at the previous offers.

something else you should know about me: i write messages to corporations where the only goal is to amuse myself with some sort of witty wordplay or reference. again, the undertaking is more a time waster than anything else, asĀ a need forĀ response, if there is one (and i’ve actually had good luck), isn’t the impetus. maybe i can try to see it as a motivational tool, where companies have hired me to send a funny little email to their employees, something to lighten the mood and pierce the monotony of an eight-hour day spent sitting at a desk. though, it can be argued, after the employee has just worked for two hours on an auto insurance quote i’m not only intending to disregard for the most part but for which i’m also going to pick apart and ridicule them by email, it most likely becomes one of those humorous-in-retrospect things.

within minutes of completing the questionnaire regarding auto insurance, i received two quotes. an hour later i received word that state farm was preparing something for me. slightly over an hour after that, someone else wrote me from state farm to let me know i’d receive a quote from them momentarily. they were confident they could exceed [my] expectations. i had to wait another forty minutes for the quote. my response follows:

thank you for taking the time to send me a quote for my auto insurance. i’ve thus far received two other quotes from competing companies — one was slightly more than half state farm’s quote, one was slightly less. in your attached quote, you did offer me a rental car in case my car is in the shop due to collision or accident. as someone who was without their vehicle for a month while it was being repaired, i understand the value of such an amenity, but I’d be remiss if i didn’t add that i still don’t think it justifies an extra $500 on my six-month premium. i do appreciate your hard work (you’ve definitely been there for me in my time of auto insurance need, much like a good neighbor), but i think i’ll have to look at other options.

she later told me that she appreciated the feedback and to keep in touch in case i wanted to check rates again.

the next day i got an email from allstate with a quote that was somehow even higher than state farm’s. again, i wrote:

i appreciate you taking the time to prepare an auto insurance quote for me. that being said, your estimate is almost 60% higher than two of the other quotes i’ve received. it’s debatable whether my wallet would be in good hands with allstate.

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